JOKES IN RITE
(Redusing Iregularitys in Tradicional English spelling)
This page is written in progressive RITE. In the first joke we will insert or cut A’s, in the next joke B’s, etc
This page has racy jokes, so if you dont like racy jokes, you better dont read it...
"What? You, Napoleon? Are you kidding me?"
"Listen, Napoleon was small, you're tall. He was kind of fat, you're slim like a bamboo!"
"What are you saying? Napoleon lived 200 years ago, you wont tell me you believe in all this rubbish with reincarnation?"
"Tell me, who told you that?"
A guy is having a really hard time. He lost his job, he’s got lots of dets, his wife and the 10 children are starving. Nobody wants to lend him money, and he doesnt know any more what he can do. He decides to commit suicide. In the last moment he has a saving idea: he could write to God! OK, he writes the letter and throws it in a letter box. The clerks in the post-office see the letter adressed to God/Heaven, open it and read:
“Dear God, i’m having a really bad time, i lost my job, i have lots of dets, etc etc etc. Could you please send me 1000 dollars?”
The clerks are really touched by this letter. There must be something we can do for this poor man! Thay start a campain collecting money in the other departments, collecting from the clients and even giving some money from thair own pockets. After a week thay’ve got 900 dollars altogether. Thay send it to the man, who gets really happy. He counts the money: 100, 200, 300... 800, 900. And he counts again. A couple of days later the people in the post-office get a new letter:
“Dear God, thank you very much for the great help. It just saved my family’s and my own life, it was really great! There is only one thing i would like to ask you: next time when you send me money, please send a chek, because the clerks in the post-office pinched already 100 dollars!
A guy is riding on a little road and meets a dog going in the other direction. The dog says:
"Good morning!", says the guy and goes on. Suddenly he realizes what happened and says:
“I cant believe this! This dog just talked to me!”
The horse comments:
“Yeah, boss, a talking dog, incredable, isnt it?”
Two men are lost in the african bush. Eventually thay lose sight of each other. Thay meet again a few days later.
"How was it with you? Are you all right?"
"I met a gorilla. Or he met me. And he raped me several times."
"Oh, thats hard, now i understand why you're so down. But dont worry, you'll forget it, times heals all wounds."
"Thats the worse. He doesnt call me, he doesnt write..."
The brazilian president visits the bolivian president, he's bringing with him his whole cabbinet. At the airport the bolivian president is alreddy waiting with his ministers. The brazilian president begins introducing his ministers: this is the Minister of Finance, this is the Minister of Culture, the Minister of Defence, the Minister of Justice, etc. Then the bolivian president starts with his ministers:
"This is the Minister of Finance, the Minister of Agriculture, the Foreign Minister, the Minister of the Navy..."
"What? Minister of the Navy? Ar you kidding me? You dont hav a coast, how do you want to hav a Minister of Navy?"
"Look, one minute ago you introduced your Minister of Justice and i didnt say anything, so let me finish now!”
The docter calls the guy at home:
"We hav good and bad news. The bad news: your wife had an accident, lost her 2 legs, her 2 arms, and she cant think any mor. She's like a plant, but she could liv for many yeers to come. So be prepared to take care of her."
"And what ar the good news?”
“I was just kidding. She’s ded.”
(The jokes about the portuguese, the irish, the poles, the austrians, the belgians ar not ment to ofend thees nacionalities. They just happen to be the victims of the jokes in Brazil, England, the US, Germany, France.) By the way: all portuguese ar calld Manuel or Joaquim.
The portuguese president visits the brazilian president and complains that the brazilians keep making jokes about the portuguese, that this is bad for the relations between the two countries, etc. The brazilian president answers:
"Well, this is tru! I meen, the portuguese ar really stupid! You want me to giv you an example? I'll call my portuguese driver. Ey, Manuel!"
The driver comes. "Yes, ser!" The president ses:
"Plees go with the car to town and chek if i'm there!"
The driver ses: "Yes, ser!" and leevs. The brazilian president ses:
"Did you see that? He's really going to town to chek if i'm there!"
"You'r right... he could hav foned!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up thair tent, and fall asleep. Some ours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look above us and tell me wat you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"Wat does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minut. "Astronomically speeking, it tells me that there ar millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appeers to be aproximatly a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we ar small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will hav a butiful day tomorrow. Wat does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speeks.
"Watson, you iddiot, someone has stolen our tent."
The blak guy is sitting in the bus, a woman gets in with a monkey. Suddenly the monkey starts squeeking and squeeling, peeple ar getting angry in the bus. The blak guy takes a decision and goes to the driver:
"Hey, driver, ar monkies allowd in the bus now?"
The driver looks bak, sees the guy and ses:
"Well, actually thay'r not allowd, but if you duk in the bak of the bus and stay quiet, i'll tern a blind i!”
The crazy guy is walking in a clinic with a brush on the leesh. He meets the docter who ses:
"Good morning! How ar you? And the dog is doing fine?"
"Wat d’you meen, the dog? This is a brush, cant you see it?"
The docter goes and the crazy guy ses to the brush:
“We really foold him, ay Rover?”
(a joke of the yeer 1999...)
God looks down and ses
"No, no, no. I'm really disappointed with this humanity. Thay'll never lern it! Well, i think i hav to put an end to this. December 31/1999, thats a good date. At midnite. I'll call the 3 most importent peeple and tell them to tell humanity that this time it is over."
He calls Yeltzin, Clinton and Bill Gates and tells them the news. Thay come down, Yeltzin goes to the Duma, the russian parlament, and ses:
"Comrades, thair ar 2 bad news: ferst, God exists, altho we always afermd the opposit. Seccond, he will put an end to the werld on new yeers eev at midnite."
Clinton goes to the Congress:
"Folks, i hav good and bad news. The good news: God exists, as we always had afermd. The bad news: the werld will end on the new yeers eev at midnite."
Bill Gates goes to the Microsoft staf:
"Folks, i hav 2 peeces of good news. Ferst, God chose me as one of the 3 most importent peeple of the werld. Seccond, we wont hav the computer problem with the yeer 2000 any mor!”
It is saturday morning and it is raning cats and dogs. In the pallace of the brazilian president the tellefone rings. It is the finance minister.
"Good morning, Mr. President! Look, in haf an our an airplane with 3 bankers from the 3 biggest swiss banks is landing, and, you know, our situation is catastrofic, we hav to giv them a good reception!"
"Wat do you meen? You dont realy want me to go to the airport now, saturday morning with this rane?"
"Wel, Mr. President, our situation is realy bad, we hav to do something about it!"
Thay discuss for a wile and the president givs in. Thay go to the airport and meet thair. It is stil saturday morning and it is stil raning cats and dogs. The plane lands but stays on the other side of the airport. The finance minister ses:
"Thats a shame. But we hav to go thair and receev them properly, our situation is realy disastrous and we hav to get all the creddits we can."
"You'r kidding me! It is saturday morning and thair is haf a meeter water outside! I'l never go thair, never!"
Thay discuss for a wile and the president givs in. Thay push the pants to thair nees and go to the plane. The gangway doks at the door, the president and the minister stand on eech side of the stairs, the door opens, the minister cheks his outfit, all rite, he looks at the president and sees that he stil has the end of his pants at his nees.
"Mr. President, Mr. President! Get your pants down!"
"Listen, this is getting too much. Is our situation realy so catastrofic???"
(This is a scandinavian joke. For the ones who dont know, the fins ar noen for being grate drunkyards)
During WWII, the finnish soldiers went to the front, did thair job at daytime, went bak in the eevning to the little town, drank as much as thay could in the pub and faut quite wildly agenst eech other. Usualy thair wer always some broken tables and chairs, but one of the soldiers always payd the bil and the owner was satisfied.
One day thay faut agenst the russians agen, went bak to the town, went to the pub, drank and faut quite wildly agenst eech other. In the end thay lay around unconsius, on and under the tables. In the middle of the nite the russian bommers came and distroyd evry house in town. The town (and the pub) became a huje ruin, thair was absolutely nothing left. In the morning the comander was the ferst one to open his small and tired ies. He lookd around, saw the dammaj, lookd around agen and sed:
“No, no, no! I wont pay this bil alone!”
The Irish Space Agency decided to start a trip to the sun. The whole werld is shokd, the russians and americans say the irish must be compleetly crazy. Menny thousands of kilometers befor thay arrive thair, thay wil be compleetly bernd out.
"No, we wont", say the irish, "we'l fli bi nite”.
The moskeeto wakes up horny like a rabbit. SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN TODAY!, he ses to himself. He leevs his place without brekfast, zzzzzzzzoooooooommmmm, looking for a victim. Suddenly he sees an ellefent from behind, and wel, he doesnt waste enny time, he goes in with all he has. The ellefent is under a cocopalm, on the cocopalm a monkey is sitting and watching the show. He starts wanking, the cocopalm starts wobbling and a coconut falls on the ellefents hed. The ellefent grones:
The moskeeto ses, rejoicing:
"TAKE IT ALL, BABY!"
An african goes to Oxford and wants to studdy thair. The clerk asks him in wich branch he'd like to studdy. He answers:
"Wat do yu meen, branch??? I want a chair like evrybody else!"
The Minnister of Helth visits a sikiatric clinic and is talking to the directer. Suddenly thair is an emerjency and the directer has to go to another section, he has to leev the minnister alone and tels him to hav a look around in the clinic. The minnister comes to the lobby, wair an (ex-) patient is getting his papers to leev the hospital. The minnister asks the patient:
"How did yu like it heer? Was it all rite?"
"Yes, it is all rite heer. The docters ar frendly, the whole personel is frendly, the treetment is very eficient and the food is exelent. Yu can relax, thay'l treet yu good heer."
"O sorry, i'm not a patient heer. I'm the Minnister of Helth."
"O yes, i understand that. Wen i came in heer, i thaut i was the president of the United States!"
How do yu get 4 ellefents into a small red FIAT?
-Two in the front and two in the bak.
And how do yu get 4 jirafs into a small red FIAT?
-Yu take the 4 ellefents out and put the 4 jirafs in.
And how do yu know if thair ar 4 jirafs in a moovie theater?
-Yu chek if the small red FIAT is parkd outside.
Blair, Chirac and Bush arive at Geneva, eech of them gets in a limmusine and the 3 limmusines go to a confrense. Suddenly Blairs driver has to brake becaus of a pedestrian, Chiracs limmusine colides with Blairs limmusine and Bushs limmusine colides with Chiracs limmusine. Thay all come out, Blair apolojizes:
"I'm sorry, too."
“I’m sorry three.”
The woman ses to the guy:
"Lissen, we'v been together for the last 32 yeers, shudnt we marry for a chanje?"
"Do yu think we'd stil find somebody?"
An old preest and a yung man ar walking in the middle of the african bush, wen thay ar caut bi a tribe and braut to the cheeftain. This cheeftain ses:
"Our sistem is very simple: yu can choos between bully-hully and deth. Wat do yu want, yung man?"
"But wat is it, this "bully-hully"?"
"No, we wont tel yu that in advanse. Thats agenst the rules."
"Oh, oh, wel, in this case, wel, i dont know wat bully-hully is, but i know wat deth is, and i dont want deth, thats for sure. So, OK, bully-hully for me."
Thay hang him in the middle of the sentral plase in the village in such a way that all the men in toun can fuk him. And thay do. 650 strong, helthy men. The old preest was given the oportunity to wach it. Now the cheeftain asks him:
"And yu, old preest? Wat do yu want? Bully-hully or deth?"
"Oh wel, yu know, actualy - no! I'm too old for that, and i'm a preest. I prefer to di with sum dignity! I prefer deth!"
The cheeftain terns to the men in the villaj and shouts:
"OK, FOKES! FOR THIS JENTLEMAN HEER, DETH THRU BULLY-HULLY!"
The gi cums to the docter and tels:
"Doctor, i hav a grate problem, one of mi balls is much bigger than the uther, so evrytime i want to shag mi gerlfrend, she starts laffing!"
The docter tels him to show his balls. The gi ses:
"OK, docter, i'l show it to yu. But i tel yu one thing: if yu laf, i wont show yu ennything enny mor!"
The docter agrees, the gi takes a ball out and it is jigantic, it is bigger than a watermellon treeted with hormons. The docter cant hold his lafter, he just cant stop it. The gi ses:
"Yu lafd, docter! Yu realy disapointed me! I wont show yu mi big ball!"
Two old ladies wer outside thair nersing home havving a smoke, wen it started to rane. One of the ladies pulld out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her sigaret, and continnued smoking.
Lady 1: Wats that?
Lady 2: A condom.
Lady 1: Wair do yu get it?
Lady 2: Yu can get them at enny kemmist.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbled into the local kemmist and anounsed to the farmasist that she wanted to bi a pak of condoms. The gi lookd at her stranjely (she was, after all, in her nineties), but politely askd wat brand she preferrd.
"Dusnt matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
An irishman had been drinking at a pub all nite. The bartender finaly sed that the bar is closing. So the irishman stood up to leev and fel flat on his fase. He tried to stand one mor time; same result. He figgurd he'l craul outside and get sum fresh air and maybe that wil sober him up. Onse outside, he stood up and fel on his fase agen. So he desided to craul the for bloks home. Wen he arived at the dor he stood up and fel flat on his fase. He crauld thru the dor and into his bedroom. Wen he reechd his bed he tried one mor time to stand up. This time he mannajd to pull himself uprite, but he quikly fel rite into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his hed hit the pillo. He was awakend the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YU'V BEEN DRINKING AGEN!"
Putting on an innosent look, and intent on bluffing it out he sed,
"Wat makes yu say that?"
"The pub just calld; yu left your weelchair thair agen!”
President Bush is fed up with all thees jokes telling that he's bad in languajes. So now he started lerning Esperanto, and hopes to be able to spend his next hollidays thair.
"Wat is the difrense between a jew and an arab?"
"Both sel thair muthers, but the arab dusnt delivver her."
Two portuguese, Joaquim and Manuel, and the american astronaut Terry James fli to the moon. Wen thay arive thair, thay hav to walk in varius directions to colect stones. After a fu ours thay go bak, Joaquim and Terry meet wair the capsule was. A bit wurryd Terry asks Joaquim:
'Wair is Manuel? And wair is the capsule?
'The capsule? Manuel had hedake and swalloed the capsule.'
A man cums to the docter:
"Dok, i hav a terrable problem: i hav a too big dik."
"Realy? Let me see it. ..... but thair is nuthing thair!"
"I dont hav the rite leg, Dok."
A blak man goes to the docter and tels him that he has strong hed-ake. The docter tels him to take his clothes off.
"But docter, i hav HED-AKE, wi shud i take mi clothes off?
"Thair is no uther way. U hav to take your clothes off."
The blak gi takes his clothes off. The docter tels him to stay on all fors in frunt of the table. Then he tels him to stay on the rite corner of the room. Then on the left corner. Always on all fors. Then he tels him to put his clothes on. The blak gi asks:
"I dont understand this, dok. I hav hedake, so wi did u tel me to take the clothes off and stay on all fors?"
"Wel, i orderd a blak table yesterday and wanted tu see wair it fits better in the rume."
On thair way to get marryd, a yung cupple ar involvd in a fatal car axident. The cupple find themselvs sitting outside the Perly Gates wating for St. Peter to prosess them into Hevven. Wile wating, thay begin to wunder: Cud thay possably get marryd in Hevven? Wen St. Peter shoes up, thay ask him. St. Peter ses, i dont no. This is the ferst time ennyone has askd. Let me go find out, and he leevs. The cupple sits and wate for an anser. . . . .for a cupple of munths. Wile thay wate, thay discuss that IF thay wer alowd to get marryd in Hevven, SHUD thay get marryd, wat with the eternal aspect of it all. Wat if it dusnt werk? Thay wunderd, Ar we stuk together FOREVVER?
After yet anuther munth, St. Peter finaly returns, looking sumwat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the cupple, u CAN get marryd in Hevven. Grate! ses the cupple, but we wer just wundring, wat if things dont werk out? Cud we also get a divorse in Hevven? St. Peter, red-fased with anger, slams his clipbord onto the ground.
Wats rong? ask the fritend cupple. O, CUM ON!! St. Peter shouts, It took me three munths to find a preest up heer! Do u hav ENNY idea how long itl take me to find a lawyer?
The gi cums to the docter and tels him that he has too big balls. The docter tels him to put his pants doun.
"But thair ar no balls thair!"
"O, the balls? The balls ar in the truk outside."
The little blak boy is playing with his little wite frend. Thay’r playing with paints, and the wite boy paints the blak boy wite. The blak boy cums home, his muther is outrajed and thrashes him almost to deth. Later his father cums home, sees his sun painted wite and thrashes him almost to deth agen. He goes out and meets his wite frend:
“Now i can understand u wites. I’v been wite for 2 ours and hate alreddy 2 blaks!”
A gi bies a brand nu BMW and goes out for a ride to sho it to his frends. Wen he arives, he stops, parks the car and opens the dor to get out and at that moment a truk passes bi and pulls the dor compleet off.
The gi gets out of the car and starts swairing like crazy, gets his sel fone and calls the poleese,
hoo gets thair real fast.
- Mi BMW!!! I just got it from the deeler and look at it now!!!!
That annimal ripd the dor off and..... and he continnues swairing til the offiser ses:
-But Ser, how can u be so materialistic? Havnt u notisd that wen the truk ripd off the dor
it also ripd off your arm all the way from your elbo?
The gi looks astonnishd at his arm and ses:
-Sun of a bich!!!! Wair is mi Rolex???
A wite, a blak and a japanese astronaut ar sent to spase. Soon after thair is a problem with the capsule. The personel in Houston tries despratly to find out wat the problem is, until it becums cleer: the capsule has too much wate. Wat can be dun? All the masheens ar too expensiv, it is impossable to thro them away. Thair is only one thing to do: one of the astronauts has to be sacrifised. And how can thay deside hoo has to leev the capsule? Wel, thay’l hav to poze the astronauts sum questions, so thay can see wich of the astronauts has less culture. So thay ask the wite astronaut:
„Wen and wair was the last volcano eruption that made mor than 100,000 victims?”
„It was in Java in 1897, with the eruption of the Krakatoa.“
Thay ask the japanese gi:
„How menny victims wer thair in this catastrofy?“
„Mor than 350.000 victims wer counted.“
Then thay ask the blak astronaut:
„Pleez name and adress of the victims with thair respectiv berth dates.“
Of corse i hav no idea if these data ar corect. Probbably not, but we’r telling a joke, not giving a lesson of history.
The old preest had died, soon after the nu one arived. Heering the confecions, he was shokd: the congregation had sins to tel he cudnt imajin: anal sex, sex with children, anal sex with children – a real catastrofy. He didnt no how to deel with it, givving the members the pennitense to pray sum ave-marias wudnt sertenly be enuf. So he went to an altar server and askd:
“Tel me, wat did the old preest uze to giv for seerius sins like anal sex with children?”
“A Bounty and a coke.”
“Ex-x-x-cuse m-me, w-wair is the-the-the st-stut-stutterer s-scool?”
“Wi do u want to go to the Stutterer Scool? U can stutter quite wel, alreddy!”
An old man, a boy and a donky wer going to toun. The boy rode on the donky and the old man walkd. As thay went along thay passd sum peeple hoo remarkd it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and the boy thaut maybe the critics wer rite, so thay chanjed posicions. Later thay passd sum peeple that remarkd, "wat a shame, he makes that little boy walk." Thay desided thay both wud walk! Soon thay passd sum mor peeple hoo thaut thay wer stupid to walk wen thay had a deesent donky to ride. So thay both rode the donky. Now thay passd sum peeple that shamed them bi saying how awful to put such a lode on a poor donky. The boy and man sed thay wer probbably rite so thay desided to carry the donky. As thay crossd a brij, thay lost thair grip on the annimal and he fel into the rivver and dround. The moral of the story?
If u tri to pleez evryone, u wil eventualy luze your ass.
The army had been organized hastily and so promotions wer quik. The lieutennent had just found himself ellevated to majer, with an offis to himself. His ferst viziter nokd on the dor.
"Cum in, " he calld. Wanting to impress the man hoo was about to enter, he pikd up the fone and began talking. "Yes, jenral, i think i agree with u," he sed. "But let me think it over a bit. I'l let u no tonite at dinner." Then he ternd to the viziter. "Now, yung man, wat can i do for u?"
"Nuthing, ser," came the reply. "I came to install your fone."
In a sitty park stood two stattues, one feemale and the uther male. Thees two stattues fased eech uther for menny yeers. Erly one morning an anjel apeerd befor the stattues and sed, "Sinse the two of u hav been exemplary stattues and hav braut enjoyment to menny peeple, i am givving u your gratest wish. I heerby giv u the gift of life. U hav 30 minnuts to do watevver u dezire." And with that comand, the stattues came to life. The two stattues smiled at eech uther, ran tord sum neerby woods and dove behind a cupple of bushes. The anjel smiled to himself as he lissend to the two stattues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minnuts, the two stattues emerjd from the bushes sattisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the anjel lookd at his wach and askd the stattues,
"U stil hav fifteen minnuts. Wud u like to continnu?"
The male stattu lookd at the feemale and askd, "Do u want to do it agen?"
Smiling, the feemale stattu sed, "Sure. But this time u hold the pijen doun and i’l crap on it’s hed!”