Zé do Rock was born a damned long time ago in Brasil, didnt study anything and he’s still alive, spending most of his time in Munich, Germany.
Zé do Rock was born a damnd long time ago in Brazil, livd 6570 days, drank 1357 leeters of alcohol, playd 940 ours of flute and 648 of soccer, hitchhiked 200.000 km in 1457 cars, planes, ships, tranes, ox carts and tractors, visited 116 cuntries and 16 prisons, fel in love 8 times, made a film, invented an artificial language, created simplified spellings for sevral languages, wrote 3 books, didnt studdy ennything and he’s stil alive, spending most of his time in Stuttgart and Munic, Germany.
In case this is stil too short, reed the long mini-biografy belo. It is written in HS (House Stile of the TESS, The English Spelling Society), RITE (Redusing Iregularitys in Tradicional English - dont spell right, spell RITE!), Diacritic English, and IPI (Internacionale Pijin Inglish), Then we start from the beginning agen.
The father of my fathers father came to Brazil as a baptist pastor from Lithuania. My fathers mother was a granddauter of german immigrants. My mothers parents came from Russia. All my grandparents wer farmers, my father was an acountant and my mother a housewife. On my mothers side of the family, my grate-grandfather was stabd to deth in Russia, my grandfather died of cirrosis, an uncle was killd wile hunting by a frend who thaut he was an armadillo, another uncle died wen he was six, playing with a gun, and my mother was killd in a hold up. Brazil is rather a dangerous country, eeven a bit mor than the US, but such a family history isnt normal eeven in Brazil. In Europe they attak foreners, in Brazil thare is no discrimination, they attak nationals and foreners regardless.
0-5 yeers – YUNG KID
I was born and first i lernd seeing, smelling, eeting, walking and speeking, altho i’v never realy managed to speek properly, let alone to spel.
5- 10 yeers – OLD KID
I went to scool, lernd pianno, playd soccer, etc, and later forgot it all.
10 - 20 yeers - YUNG YUNG
I kept going to scool and then i finnishd it. In my free time i was quite a rowdy, i did a lot of shop lifting, left bars and restaurants without paying, threw stones on cars from bridges. I could stil walk reesonably wel after drinking a leeter of rum with 50% alcohol in 10 minnuts. I also tried a lot of drugs, but like President Clinton i nevver inhaled. They arested me sumtimes for things i havnt dun, didnt arest me for things i had dun, and sumtimes i went volluntarily into prisons becaus i was travling and didnt hav the munny for a hotel. In between i workd in offices: personel department, travel agency, purchasing department, and even as an encyclopedia salesman. I studied theater, body expression, english, dance, german, russian, flute, cello. When i was 17, i left my parents house and my country. I wanted to hitchhike around the world to be sure that the world is really round, but after a year i was robbed in Ecuador and lost my passport, so that i had to come bak to Brazil. In the Amazon i was a guest of the brazilian gouvernment for 2 months, becaus the militry suspected me of being a spy or terrorist.
20 - 30 yeers – OLD YOUNG
I made a mistake and married. I werkd for a wile as translater for german and english and then i went with mi wife to see the big werld. Of course we just hitchhiked. On cars, truks, ox carts, bikes, tranes and eeven planes. We had some little jobs in the US, in Germany, France, Norway, and in Europe mi wife got fed up with travling, so i went alone to Africa. In Africa sometimes i had to walk hundreds of miles without a ride, becaus thare was no trafic. I was in prison quite offen, for nothing. After a yeer i got a letter from mi wife telling me that she had fallen in love with an austrian gi. So i was forced to fli bak and tri to save the marraj and mi onnor, altho i didnt hav the money for the flite. In Germany där vas nott mutsch tu save ennymohr, butt ennywäi wie still livt tugezer für 2 Monaths - nott me and mein wife but der austrian Gei and me. Up to this point i had werkd as a masheen washer, assembly line werker, truk driver, mooving company werker, TV-tower assembly cheef in Africa, clerk, cooreer driver, jiggolo, travel guide, kitchen helper, film extra, camra helper, etc
30 - 40 yeers – YUNG ADULT
In Germany i made a low budjet film on viddeo with a frend. The title was NO ELEPHANTS, becaus thare wer no ellefants in the film. It was shoen in one theater for a few weeks, had a good public reseption, and was shoen later in festivals. The revues wer good, altho thay always mentiond the poor tecnical quality. No wunder, without munny, profecional equipment or cru.
I went bak tu Africa, i travveld thru Maroc, Mauretanie, Mali, Burkina Faso, Guinee, Guinee-Bissau, Senegal, Gambia, Algerie, Tunisie, Niger, Togo, Benin, Nigeria, Cameroun, Gabon, Congo, Zaire, Zambia, Angola, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Lesotho, Swaziland, Malawi, Tanzania, Kenya, Somalia, Djibouti, Ethiopia, Sudan, Egypt. In Djibouti for example evrything is imported and tharefor quite expensiv. A little can of beer cums from Germany and costs 5 dollars. The toilet páper cums from China, and thare u realize that eeven tu produse toilet páper u need sum no-how, and the chinese dont hav it. The chocolat is from Brazil and doesnt táste as good as swiss chocolat but much better than the chinese toilet páper.
Then i went on to Asia and Australia. In Australia i lerned everything you need to know to survive in this country: hunting boomerangs and throwing cangaroos. Hunting boomerangs is ésy, especially if thay’r lying around in a corner. Throwing cangaroos is a lot harder, especially throwing them in a way that thay come bak agęn.
Tuvalu, a tiny republic in the South Sés, is 30 km long and 300 m wide. Wen the country has low tide it is twice as big, becaus it is twice as wide. Thare is only one restaurant and one strét, very ésy for taxi drívers: the passenjer gets in, the dríver asks: forwards or bakwards?
Eventualy i arrívd bak in Brazil. Altogether i had 35 difrent jobs, visited 139 countries, hitchhiked 200.000 km (the sám as 5 tíms around the werld, doing it at the Equáter, ware the Erth has its big belly). The trip took 13 yérs and i had a lot of truble with robbers, poléce and wimen.
I stád haf a yér in Brazil but ended up góing to Germany agęn becaus of a woman. I wrót mi ferst book, ‘fom winde ferfeelt’ ("ézy riter"), wich was a succęss (or at lést a little best seler).
40 - 50 yérs – ÓLD ADULT
Mi sekend bük is calld ‘UFO in der küche’ ("UFO in the kichen") and was publishd in 1998 bi the Kiepenheuer Verlag, Leipzig. It is an autobiografical síence-fiction. The bigest part of the story hapens in the yér 2019, wich was quít a hard yér for me. The story is about a kidnaping bi a UFO and the kidnaping of the móst fámus literary critic in Germany. It is riten in ‘wunschdeutsch’, wich we cüd translát as ‚wish-german’ or ‚faverit german’: in my shows around Germany and the other german speaking countries i’ve asked 20.000 people tu vote on spelling changes. It is the only really democratic reform proposal with consultations far and wide.
In 2002 my next book was published by Kunstmann Verlag and it was called DEUTSCH GUTT SONST GELD ZURUCK (something like ‚German good, otherwise money bak’). It is a coleccion de tru and inventee storis, made as a lerning book for SIEGFRIEDISCH e ‘Kaudadeutsh’. Siegfriedisch is a german language wid only germanic wordes, which mene dat a word as ‘Tisch’ ('table') must be substitut by ‘Essbrett’ (eating bord), since it comes de latin ‘discus’ (as does englishe ‘dish’). ‘Zwiebel’ (onion) comes de latin 'cipolla', so it must bi substitut bai ‘Heulgemüse’ (howling vegetable), ‘Bus’ becomes ‘Vieleleutewagen’ (meni-pople-auto), ‘taxi’ becomes ‘Zahlwagen’ (paig-auto), etc. El otre lingua da buk is ‘kaudadeutsh’ et it is a super internationalizee deutsh, ful af lounu wordes.
Besaides i scribet pro 11 antologies, along co best seler autoris (e Nobel Praize winis) as Günther Grass, Hans Magnus Enzensberger, Stan Nadolny, Patrick Süskind (La Parfum). I scribe nau e den pro ale major deutshe jurnales, as Süddeutsche Zeitung, FAZ, Die Zeit. And i was awarded several prizes, i performed around 300 literature shows in major german opera houses, theaters, etc.
50 - 70 years - YOUNG OLDIE
In 2009 my new film 'Schroeder liegt in Brasilien' (Schroeder is in Brazil) was shown in german theaters - and in festivals in 6 countrys. The film has this title because the town Schroeder is really in Brazil, and it shows that the germans are poor but happy, while brazilians have a lot of money but complain all the time.
In the same year my 4th book was published by A1 Publishers, Munich. The title was 'Every second a non smoker dies - a glossary about prejudice and other Judiths'. The book is a long jurney thru languages, cuntrys and prejudices. And i wun my 5th prize, the Ernst-Hoferichter-Preis. In the 2010 i wun my 6th prize, the Schwabinger Kunstpreis (Schwabing Art Prize).
A long term project of mine is travveling thru the cuntrys i havnt been before. For that i travveld again thru Africa - a beautiful continent, but the mugging, the deportation and the malaria didnt do too much good to my health. I was in Asia, too, for example in Mongolia and North Korea. A nice cuntry, where the guvverment solved 2 big problems of humanity: they have neither trafic jams nor overweit problems.
In 2013 i participated in the Bachmann Prize Competition in Klagenfurt, Austria - the best noen litrary competition in the german speeking world. I didnt win ennything, becaus in the opinnion of most jurors wat i had dun mite be good commedy, but no litrature. Quite a few newspapers criticized that decision.
In the same yeer i hichhiked thru Brazil, i intervewd the drivers who gave me a lift, and uther intresting peeple i met on my way, and so i rote "a caleidoscopio de biografias brasileiras": "Per anhalter durch die brasilianische galaxis" - The hichhikers guide to the brazilian galaxy. Sumbody sed the book is fantastic, but i cant remember ennymor who it was.
Since my partner Christiane Lange got a job in Stuttgart - she's the new director of the Staatsgalerie (State Gallery) - and i came with her to Stuttgart. This city is a bit warmer than Munich, although as a brazilian citizen i should rather call it 'less cold' - out of 193 countrys in the world, only 16 are colder and only 16 ar cloudier than Germany. Thats not much. But at least there is the human warmth.
And how will my aging go on?
70 - 80 years - OLD OLDIE
80 - 90 years – YUNG METHUSALEM
90 - 100 years – OLD METHUSALEM
Over 100 years – i dont believe i’l make it that far keeping this rhythm.
Zé do Rock