HS – LESSON G/H – BELGIE

SLITELY SCHIZOFRENIC

Useless G’s and H’s disappeer: the nauty guy who sined the paper had a maline diarrea. And thare will be some influence from french and dutch (flamish), since we’r talking about Belgium.

After Charlemagne, the Kingdom of the Franks was divided in 3: the western part spoke latin/franch, the eestern part spoke something like german, and the part inbetween spoke this and that. This buffer zone in the middle became narrower and narrower, wile the latral parts expanded to the middle, until eventually the middle part belongd either to the western part – France – or to the eestern part – the Holy Roman Empire, wich later got the name “of German Nation” added to it. Since the eestern part wasnt a proper kingdom but à conglomerat of kingdoms and other types of political entities – rather something like the EU – some of the parts in the buffer zone ended up separating from the Holy Roman Empire, and so countries like the Netherlands and Switzerland wer born. After sevral interventions from abroad, the Netherlands wer divided into a protestant and a catholic part, the Netherlands and Belgium. In Belgium, as in sevral countries in the buffer zone between France and Germany, lies the border between the germanic and the romanic culture. So it is no surprise that the EU chose their capitals in this buffer zone: Brussels, Luxembourg – waare the oficial languages ar franch, german and letzebuergisch, a sort of german dialect with an own writing – and Strassbourg, wich lies in France but it is a city that belongd to Germany for a lang time, and a plaace waare ye still find many german speekers. So neither France nor Germany felt in disadvantage.

Certainly it has its advantages for Belgium to be at dis border – for instance hosting de european capital – but it has its disadvantages, too: de germanic part, Flanders, and de romanic part, Wallonia, dont hab a specially friendly relationship. Maybe the walloons hav a romanic culture, but they hav thare name from the germanic tribes in Germany: first only the keltic tribe of the volcae further south spoke ‘welsh’ and wer calld like that, then the germanic tribes began calling all keltic tribes ‘welsh’, the ones you dont understand. So de anglos en de saxons went te Engeland en calld de keltic tribes in de west ‘the welsh’, de ones they didnt understaan. And in the Netherlands the same thing happend, they calld the région ware peeple speek an ununderstandable language ‘Waals’, and the french speekers made ‘Wallonie’ of it. In Germany en in Switzerland daar ar no keltic tribes anymore, so they call de nexte nabors in de souden west ‘de welsh’, en in german ‘kauderwelsch’ meens wen many peeple or eeven a single person speeks in difrent languages.

In the old times the walloons had the cole, the monay and the power, the flames wer the pesants. In de belgian colonies they spake franch – no trace of flamish. Meenwile de flames feed de walens, but ye dont heb te denke dat de walens ar really poor. Eeven alone the walloons would be one of the richest peeple in the world. Anyway the nationalist flames nowadays dont like de situatie dat de flames hav te feed de walens, so they want te separete from de Wallony.

I was à few times in Belgium, the first time just shortly over the frontier. Ye take a city bus from de german city of Aachen, go across de border without noticing it but den evryding is difrent, eeven if Aachen looks quite nederlands. The town Kelmis looks quite pink, and makes the impression you ar in a toy town, but in the shops you stil heer german, or a german dialect. Dis is so becaus in Belgie ye dont speek just franch en flamish, but also german, especially in de eest. Many belges speek 4 languages: meest of them speek franch en flaams, en den many speek engels en german. It es doutlessly a good place to be the european capital.

Nowadaagse ye dont denk anything bad about de belgens, they’re a small en modest folk, who wouldnt doe any harm eeven te a flieg, but for a lang time they opressed their african kolonies en they ware responsible for a carnage in Congo. Wich just shows that thare arnt good and bad peeple, evry nation can be cruel, wen it is “necessaire” and you hav the meens for it.

Belgie has little te doe with mijn land, Brazilie, en many hollanders kamen te Brazilie but few belgens. The only fameus brézilien of descendence belge was one of whom few bréziliens ar proud: het was de FIFA president Joao Havelange, de foster fader of Joseph Blatter, de laaste FIFA president. With them FIFA became fameus for thare système corrupte. Joao Havelanges fader was en belg, en te maken matters worse, he was en arms deeler.

The othre thing en common between Belgium and Brézil es INBEV, the result of the fusion of the belge Interbrew and the brézilien AMBEV. De hedquarters ar in Belgie, but de big baas en de majority of de directors ar brazilianen. INBEV es the biggest brewery multinational of the world, and a few yeers ago they swallowed the seccond biggest one, Anhaeuser Bush, the maker of Budweiser – at leest of the american one. Brazil is de derd (3th) biggest bier producer of de wereld, en brazilianen ar basically bier drinkers als de belgens, but in per capita consumptie de belgens drinken meer, altho dis could change in de future: in 1965 Belgie was de seccond biggest bier drinker of de wereld, but they fell te nummer 23 – acording te wikipedia, de americanen ar nummer 17, de australianen nummer 19 (they wer alreddy nummer 2), de english nummer 28, just after de brazilianen who ar nummer 27. The biggest beere drinkers wer de czechs and they remane in the position.

Anyway daar is a bier cultur in Belgie dat ik dont know of any other land. Wen you enter a belge beere boutique you think you entered a paiting factory, so colorful ar they. They maken bier of evryding en with evryding, en ik guess you’d need weeken or maanden te try them all. Wat they eet? Moules et frites, mussels en french fries. Once i askd an american friend in Paris what ‘moules’ ar, he sed they’r muscles. Ik dacht dat was quite funny, te eeten muscles, later ik vond out dat dis is niet tru, ‘moules’ ar ‘mussels’ (german ‘muscheln’), en ik dacht dat dat american vriend could hav gelerned better frans, since he has livd voor so lang daar. But a wile ago i lernd the anglais word ‘mussels’, and it became cleer to me that he had sed mussels, but since i didnt know the word, i understood ‘muscles’, wich has the same pronunciation. English is niet eesy!

After all thare es still a common feeture between belges and bréziliens: both countries hav lots of italiens. Brazilie has de biggest italiane kolonie wereldwijd, Belgie de seccond biggest in Europe. One of thees italiens en Belgium a inventé eeven a new langue, Europanto. It doesnt heb any rules, no fix vocabulary, one mixes op de languages at de wim. Heer es an example de texte:
      1. TODA LA VERITHEIT OVER DE MORTE VAN DIANA


In der story des morte des Diana er esse tropo viel unclaras chosas und confusio. Porqué Diana Mercedes was zo rapido roulante? Waar esse de autra auto mit die bodyguardias gegone? Und supra todo, waar esse el jewello dat Dodi offered aan Diana op aquello eveningo? Mucha estrange coincidenza, cinquo dags later, tambien Zuster Theresa uit Calcutta trespasse al Creator. Somechose kloppe nicht!

 

Voor de belgen dit is all no probleem, but niet all human beings on de planeet ar belgen, zo hier komt de translation:

THE WHOLE TRUETH ABOUT DIANAS DETH

 

De story about Dianas deth hebt many oncleer facts en a lot of confusion. Why Dianas Mercedes was so fast? Waar did de auto with de boddyguards go? And ware es the jewel Dodi gave Diana en that eevening? En a funny coincidence: 5 dage later Moeder Teresa from Calcutta also went over te de Creator. Something there es fishy!
And daar is dis nice pun poetry, or watever ye call het. But you hav to know that Waterloo, being a belge place, es not pronouncé wauterloo as in english, but wah-ter-low. And dat frans l’eau (water) is pronounced de same weg als wen de brits say ‘law’:

“De Hollander zegt water,

de Fransman noemt het l’eau,

een Belg die beide talen kent,

die spreekt van Waterloo

And the translation:

De hollanders say water,

the françai call it l’eau,

de belgen, they spreeken both languages

so they talk of Waterloo…