Thare isnt much to do with D, it just disappears in the word ‘sandwich’. But many things happen with the letter E. Silent E’s without a function ar droppd: ar, hav, hartless. Quite a few E’s could be seen as silent, but also as being pronounced as a shwa, the obscure vowel as the E in ‘vowel’. In these cases they remain in the word, exept befor R when it makes a consonant duplication unnecessary: genral, seprate, difrent insted of genneral, sepparate, different.
The rule for stressd short vowels is: they must be followd by 2 or mor consonants, and if this is not the case, we double it, exept befor the endings -ic, -ity and -ogy. Example: The fettid flattulence was a calamity for the lunatic iddiot. Consonant duplication has almost only that function, and if it doesnt fulfill that function it is simplified: Sometimes the rifraf gets an anoying diarea and atacks the Hel’s Angels.
The rule for stressd long vowels: long vowels ar followd by one consonant and a vowel, and if thare is no long vowel, we insert the magic E, as in ‘late, bite, cute’. The magic-E is a bizarr way to show the length of a vowel, seprated by a consonant, but it is the usual way english does it, and thats the genral way to do it in the House Stile: wate, mite, bote, fule. The ending -le/ly is considderd as a single vowel, which means that we double after a short vowel: We struggle and we tussle for a giggling future.
The long E is not made with magic-E, it is made with EE: The theef had a feer of getting diabeetis, tharefor he had a pane in the reer.
Short E is spelld with E. But words like ‘any’ and ‘many’ hav to wait for the letter N, then we can spell ‘enny’ and ‘menny’. We hav to wait with thees rules in many cases, for example to spell ‘wate’ for ‘wait’ and ‘weight’ we hav to wait for the letter I, thare we can drop the I.
Altogether: when we drop a letter, the most likely way to pronounce the resulting word has to be the way the word is pronounced. If two words with the same pronunciation ar spelld the same way, it is not a problem, but a word cant be changed if the new form is alreddy occupied by another word with a different pronunciation, so we cant spell ‘own’ as ‘one’, becaus that has a different pronunciation and thare is no W-rule in HS to change ‘one’ to ‘wun’ (or ‘won’).
Normally this is a seeries about countries, but sometimes i talk about other subjects. At the moment i giv german lessons for refugees, and i write about it for the german newspaper Berliner Zeitung. So i’ll post some of thees articles heer. At the beginning the communication with the students was quite difficult, and we wer only able to talk to eech other in a “train station german”, as germans call it: very basic, with no grammar. In english you’d say BSE, bad simple english. In this case very bad and very simple. But the spelling is HS.
My Shazza – liv together many yeers – say me too long too much front computer my little office, this is cocoon, me should go out – why dont teech german to refugees? Thare is many! OK, OK, then me teech german for big charity in refugee center, at leest do something useful. But befor beginning classes we hav refugee barbecue party. Hopefuly thare is enough refugee left to teech when class beginn. Month later get 2 presence list plus 1 absence list – but usually me can see if somebody absent in presence list also? Anyway me share class with teecher from Eest Europe. She say she heer that thare is only women in class, lets see.
Charity office say thare is 3 inmatriculation. 3 student, 2 teecher, too little student for so many teecher. Maybe announcement in german and nobody understand? In one refugee center caretaker did so: 3 page house rules in deepest burocratic german, eritrean mechanician – one month heer – should reed and sign plees.
Before course i herd i must teech by school book. But then i need schoolbook! OK, i can get schoolbook in office. Ah, i herd thare is beemer, ware beemer? Still must organize beemer, also problem security – but soon. I go course, start 4 student. Want to ask office woman becaus registration – some hav registration, others nothing, and in form german bureaucratic words like ‘Aufenthaltsstatus’, this is leegal status of foreigner – must do all this? If must do, must fill forms all day insted german class. But office woman in meeting. I begin: My name Zé do Rock, what your name? I come from Brazil, you come from ware? What is your job in your country? Mor 2 student come. Make pronoun: me butiful, you ugly. Make greeting and polite forms: good morning, good afternoon, hi, hello, how you do, thank you, plees, plees i hav no money! Mor student come. I make numbers. Come mor 2 student. All agen: My name Zé, what your name? Ali Al-Turimi? OK, call you Turimi – 4 Ali in class too many Ali. Ware you come from? Syria, Syria, but also other arab and african countries. Also chinese – why come chinese, is China not wonderful democracy? And not only women in course, actually mor men than women. Profession? You name it: mechanic, acountant, technician, truk driver. And you, Zayid? Lawyer in Syria. And you, Zabar? Poleeceman in Iraq? Oh! Plees wait, i go toilet! And i go to door as if fleeing. Zayid say: “No problem! He poleeceman, me lawyer!”
3 mor student come. What is name, ware come from, one mor time and one mor time, ai ai ai! Make lot gesticulation, but sometimes difficult: how can make gesture for word ‘how’? Or word ‘can’? Then prefer say in english french italian arabic somalian chinese. Unfortunatly my chinese not so good, somalian eeven worse. Syrians mostly speek bit english, but some student speek nothing exept own language. Me look dictionary and say to chinese girl: huòzhe. Girl laugh. I show word to her, she say: aaahh, huòzhe! But that was what i sed! End of class, over dozen peeple. Then come woman from office and want know who payd. Some maybe payd not, others maybe dont understand – we still had not verb ‘pay’. And me? I filld one list – must fill other 2 also? No no, i will get new list. Charity own rules, building administration other rules, city administration other rules, country administration other rules, still hav to coordinate, but difficult cleering shelf when flood – of peeple. Important is that refugees understand that evrything perfect in Germany, must adapt!
TOILET, MONEY AND SHIT
The sound /f/ is spelld with F: The schizofrenic filosofer lafd so loud, he provoked a catastrofe. And of course useless F’s disappeer.
Second day with german course: some student come not, but many new ones, altogether almost two dozen, hav to get mor chair and table. Need felt pen for blak bord that is wite, but door for compartment with writing stuf closed. Hav to find someone in office with kee. And then: pink pen very week, and probbably reffugees bad eyes. Green pen also week. Eventually take blu, very good very strong, but later want to deleet and cant deleet. Then hav to write presence list but hav no pen, normal pen. Normally always hav 1 pen in jacket, 3 or 4 pen in rucksak, today nothing, one student lend his pen, becaus me, teecher, hav no pen. Hav to show to foreigners in Germany evrything perfect! But OK, me brazilian. New students come – also indians. India also dictatorship? Come butiful woman from Kosovo. English nothing, german nothing, only albanian – problem, becaus my albanian rather no good. Must start from beginning. Yeah, worst language problems i hav in Europe, mostly Eest Europe. OK, actually also many french speek nothing only french, in Spain many spanish speek nothing only spanish. For me no problem, but for english or german or russian or greek offen problem.
Must explain pronoun: ‘sie’ (pronounced ‘zee’) meen ‘she’, but meen also ‘they’, and meen ‘you’ – german very exact, sometimes this sometimes that. If person unknoen or very important with suit and ti, dont use ‘du’ (you, thou), use also ‘Sie’, respectful ‘you’. Thus 3 pronoun meenings for the word ‘sie’. OK, this is no problem for arab, they know system, but for english speekers or for chinese big problem. Chinese sistem super basic, dont hav eeven difrence between ‘he’ and ‘she’. By way, japanese opposit: dont know 2 words for ‘you’, but 6 words for ‘I’, depending importance of other person and how much must bend down. Japanese nuts. In old times mor nuts, they had 30 word for ‘I’, depending how much bend down. If you refuse collector, hav to bend down till floor.
Brake for fresh air (Marlboro), Mohammad say to Kosovo woman he saw she in event X for reffugees and other calamities. Kosovo woman say she was thare but never seen him. I explain: Mohammad, you remember this woman becaus she butiful, she remember not you becaus you ugly. Very simple.
Come two new afghanis. Anyway students know alreddy important words: toilet, money and shit! Important to call names, in German hav to integrate, so hav to lern how to call names in german. Besides: foreigner shouldnt beet wife. Politicians warn foreigners, not 15% of german men who beet wife – maybe only foreigner should not beet woman, beeting wife only a rite of german man? And foreigner hav to lern honesty! Many foreigner like german soccer, so maybe big boss of FC Bayern, Hoeness, could tell foreigner in TV jingle that must be onest – now he not in prison anymor, for good behavior (after hiding all those millions in Switzerland), so he must hav time.
In beginning, only eesy german word, like ‘spritzt’ (you splash, cf. ‘thou splashest’) or ‘sprachst’ (you spoke, thou spokest), syllables with 8 letter, later wen they better traind also word like ‘schleichst’ (you sneek) or ‘schmauchst’ (you smoke with plesure, thou smokest), syllables with 10 letter. Also word like ‘sechstschnellster’ (the 6th fastest), with 8 consonant in row, and in last course week full program with words like ‘Grundstücksverkersgenehmigungszuständigkeitsübertragungsverordnung’, which means mor or less Regulation for the Transmission of Competences in the Estate Trade Licences.
I teech week days, then i ask Yousouf what he will do monday. He say: “Beeting foreigners.” Lernd alreddy system Germany!
End of class, outside take fresh air (Marlboro) with some students. Ask woman from Kosovo what is job. No job. OK, now no job, is forbidden for not yet recognized reffugees – but erlier, in Kosovo? No job. Problems in your country? Yeah, always shit – already lernd word (german ‘scheisse’). Many problem, she say – but no problem, avanti popolo!
HS – LESSON G/H – BELGIE
Useless G’s and H’s disappeer: the nauty guy who sined the paper had a maline diarrea. And thare will be some influence from french and dutch (flamish), since we’r talking about Belgium.
After Charlemagne, the Kingdom of the Franks was divided in 3: the western part spoke latin/franch, the eestern part spoke something like german, and the part inbetween spoke this and that. This buffer zone in the middle became narrower and narrower, wile the latral parts expanded to the middle, until eventually the middle part belongd either to the western part – France – or to the eestern part – the Holy Roman Empire, wich later got the name “of German Nation” added to it. Since the eestern part wasnt a proper kingdom but à conglomerat of kingdoms and other types of political entities – rather something like the EU – some of the parts in the buffer zone ended up separating from the Holy Roman Empire, and so countries like the Netherlands and Switzerland wer born. After sevral interventions from abroad, the Netherlands wer divided into a protestant and a catholic part, the Netherlands and Belgium. In Belgium, as in sevral countries in the buffer zone between France and Germany, lies the border between the germanic and the romanic culture. So it is no surprise that the EU chose their capitals in this buffer zone: Brussels, Luxembourg – waare the oficial languages ar franch, german and letzebuergisch, a sort of german dialect with an own writing – and Strassbourg, wich lies in France but it is a city that belongd to Germany for a lang time, and a plaace waare ye still find many german speekers. So neither France nor Germany felt in disadvantage.
Certainly it has its advantages for Belgium to be at dis border – for instance hosting de european capital – but it has its disadvantages, too: de germanic part, Flanders, and de romanic part, Wallonia, dont hab a specially friendly relationship. Maybe the walloons hav a romanic culture, but they hav thare name from the germanic tribes in Germany: first only the keltic tribe of the volcae further south spoke ‘welsh’ and wer calld like that, then the germanic tribes began calling all keltic tribes ‘welsh’, the ones you dont understand. So de anglos en de saxons went te Engeland en calld de keltic tribes in de west ‘the welsh’, de ones they didnt understaan. And in the Netherlands the same thing happend, they calld the région ware peeple speek an ununderstandable language ‘Waals’, and the french speekers made ‘Wallonie’ of it. In Germany en in Switzerland daar ar no keltic tribes anymore, so they call de nexte nabors in de souden west ‘de welsh’, en in german ‘kauderwelsch’ meens wen many peeple or eeven a single person speeks in difrent languages.
In the old times the walloons had the cole, the monay and the power, the flames wer the pesants. In de belgian colonies they spake franch – no trace of flamish. Meenwile de flames feed de walens, but ye dont heb te denke dat de walens ar really poor. Eeven alone the walloons would be one of the richest peeple in the world. Anyway the nationalist flames nowadays dont like de situatie dat de flames hav te feed de walens, so they want te separete from de Wallony.
I was à few times in Belgium, the first time just shortly over the frontier. Ye take a city bus from de german city of Aachen, go across de border without noticing it but den evryding is difrent, eeven if Aachen looks quite nederlands. The town Kelmis looks quite pink, and makes the impression you ar in a toy town, but in the shops you stil heer german, or a german dialect. Dis is so becaus in Belgie ye dont speek just franch en flamish, but also german, especially in de eest. Many belges speek 4 languages: meest of them speek franch en flaams, en den many speek engels en german. It es doutlessly a good place to be the european capital.
Nowadaagse ye dont denk anything bad about de belgens, they’re a small en modest folk, who wouldnt doe any harm eeven te a flieg, but for a lang time they opressed their african kolonies en they ware responsible for a carnage in Congo. Wich just shows that thare arnt good and bad peeple, evry nation can be cruel, wen it is “necessaire” and you hav the meens for it.
Belgie has little te doe with mijn land, Brazilie, en many hollanders kamen te Brazilie but few belgens. The only fameus brézilien of descendence belge was one of whom few bréziliens ar proud: het was de FIFA president Joao Havelange, de foster fader of Joseph Blatter, de laaste FIFA president. With them FIFA became fameus for thare système corrupte. Joao Havelanges fader was en belg, en te maken matters worse, he was en arms deeler.
The othre thing en common between Belgium and Brézil es INBEV, the result of the fusion of the belge Interbrew and the brézilien AMBEV. De hedquarters ar in Belgie, but de big baas en de majority of de directors ar brazilianen. INBEV es the biggest brewery multinational of the world, and a few yeers ago they swallowed the seccond biggest one, Anhaeuser Bush, the maker of Budweiser – at leest of the american one. Brazil is de derd (3th) biggest bier producer of de wereld, en brazilianen ar basically bier drinkers als de belgens, but in per capita consumptie de belgens drinken meer, altho dis could change in de future: in 1965 Belgie was de seccond biggest bier drinker of de wereld, but they fell te nummer 23 – acording te wikipedia, de americanen ar nummer 17, de australianen nummer 19 (they wer alreddy nummer 2), de english nummer 28, just after de brazilianen who ar nummer 27. The biggest beere drinkers wer de czechs and they remane in the position.
Anyway daar is a bier cultur in Belgie dat ik dont know of any other land. Wen you enter a belge beere boutique you think you entered a paiting factory, so colorful ar they. They maken bier of evryding en with evryding, en ik guess you’d need weeken or maanden te try them all. Wat they eet? Moules et frites, mussels en french fries. Once i askd an american friend in Paris what ‘moules’ ar, he sed they’r muscles. Ik dacht dat was quite funny, te eeten muscles, later ik vond out dat dis is niet tru, ‘moules’ ar ‘mussels’ (german ‘muscheln’), en ik dacht dat dat american vriend could hav gelerned better frans, since he has livd voor so lang daar. But a wile ago i lernd the anglais word ‘mussels’, and it became cleer to me that he had sed mussels, but since i didnt know the word, i understood ‘muscles’, wich has the same pronunciation. English is niet eesy!
After all thare es still a common feeture between belges and bréziliens: both countries hav lots of italiens. Brazilie has de biggest italiane kolonie wereldwijd, Belgie de seccond biggest in Europe. One of thees italiens en Belgium a inventé eeven a new langue, Europanto. It doesnt heb any rules, no fix vocabulary, one mixes op de languages at de wim. Heer es an example de texte:
In der story des morte des Diana er esse tropo viel unclaras chosas und confusio. Porqué Diana Mercedes was zo rapido roulante? Waar esse de autra auto mit die bodyguardias gegone? Und supra todo, waar esse el jewello dat Dodi offered aan Diana op aquello eveningo? Mucha estrange coincidenza, cinquo dags later, tambien Zuster Theresa uit Calcutta trespasse al Creator. Somechose kloppe nicht!
Voor de belgen dit is all no probleem, but niet all human beings on de planeet ar belgen, zo hier komt de translation:
THE WHOLE TRUETH ABOUT DIANAS DETH
De story about Dianas deth hebt many oncleer facts en a lot of confusion. Why Dianas Mercedes was so fast? Waar did de auto with de boddyguards go? And ware es the jewel Dodi gave Diana en that eevening? En a funny coincidence: 5 dage later Moeder Teresa from Calcutta also went over te de Creator. Something there es fishy!
And daar is dis nice pun poetry, or watever ye call het. But you hav to know that Waterloo, being a belge place, es not pronouncé wauterloo as in english, but wah-ter-low. And dat frans l’eau (water) is pronounced de same weg als wen de brits say ‘law’:
“De Hollander zegt water,
de Fransman noemt het l’eau,
een Belg die beide talen kent,
die spreekt van Waterloo…
And the translation:
De hollanders say water,
the françai call it l’eau,
de belgen, they spreeken both languages
so they talk of Waterloo…